Cute, isn’t he? Don’t be fooled. He’ll drink your milkshake.
There’s a growing menace on the American horizon. Trashcans in campgrounds across this country are being overturned. Clotheslines across the heartland are being torn from their moorings, and laundry scattered hither and yon. Though late night cable crews work assiduously to capture images of the vermin, their efforts have been fruitless. Half-assed, I say. It is up to us, the sportsmen of this venerable Republic to stand united and bag these unruly brutes. With that noble goal in mind, I present the top 5 guns for hunting Sasquatch.
1. The Noreen BN36 .30-06 AR Pattern Rifle
Many who face off against the Sasquatch swear by the stopping power of the big bore rifle. The bigger the bore, the better, they claim. This is an especially good strategy for those who hunt Sasquatch from a distance, though this is the least productive hunting method. For me, bolt actions are nonstarters, unless required by law (Massachusetts—shame on you!). Instead, I suggest the repeatability of the AR pattern rifles, and no one knows big bore ARs like Noreen. They even make one is .338 Lapua.
Long range and hard hitting, the BN36 is a must for open range Sasquatch hunts.
I suggest the stalk hunt in heavy cover. Many Sasquatch stalkers trust the .308, but I say take it further. Look to the .30-06 AR platform rifles. The increase in power over the .308 will give you the edge, and the fast action of the AR platform allows for consistent followup shots without the hassle of cycling a bolt by hand.
The compact size of a short barreled Saiga 12 is great for the close quarters of the swamp.
2. The Saiga 12
Louisiana allows Sasquatch hunting with dogs. While the swamps of the Sportsman’s Paradise can pose significant hazards for hunters and hounds, dog hunting is a great way to run down and tire out a Sasquatch (though I wouldn’t take your favorite dogs). Do they make disposable dogs? If they do, take those.
For this sort of hunt, I recommend serious firepower. The Sasquatch may burst from cover at close range. A shotgun is the obvious choice, but not just any old scatter-gun. I’m leaning on our Russian friends’ expertise and suggesting the Saiga 12. Shorten the barrel, tune the gas system, and pick up a solid, working drum mag. Alternate shot to approximate the old buck-and-ball side-by-side school of shotgunnery. One round of 00 buck followed closely by a slug. The first will stun a Squatch, the second may finish him off. This is the way the Chinese have chosen to handle the Yeti they frequently encounter in Tibetan Highlands.
Don’t let its mild plastic exterior fool you. The GLOCK 20 is about as much pistol as a man can handle.
3. GLOCK 20
I wouldn’t ever go on a hunt, anywhere, without a backup gun. Many Sasquatch hunters are seduced by the big bore revolvers. I’m more concerned with capacity. If there are no limitations on how you hunt, pick up a GLOCK 20. The gun offers incredible stopping power, better-than-revolver-capacity, and fast magazine changes.
I’m a long-time devotee of the 20. While some folks have a hard time holding down the wicked muzzle flip, I say bring it on. The .40 S&W wants to be a 10mm when it grows up. If all my guns were on a football team, this dude would be in the offensive line. Nothing defensive about this gun–it may be all that stands between you and 600 pounds of furry bipedal fury. But it will get the job done.
This is how my old great grandpa hunted Sasquatch, back when he was just a boy in wilds of Wisconsin.
4. The Colt Walker
Very few states have limits on Sasquatch, but the actual restrictions on how you hunt can be intense. Arkansas, for example, considers Sasquatch vermin and allows sportsmen unlimited opportunities for bagging the big ugly beasts. New York State, despite its long sporting history, limits the way you can hunt Sasquatch (Damn the SAFE Act!). They want to give ol’ Bigfoot a sporting chance.
Black powder is the only way. While we would normally suggest one of the new in-line muzzleloaders for whitetail, one shot may not be enough. Here, we’re going with the Sasquatch of black powder pistols, the Colt Walker. The Walker is capable of delivering six rounds of .457—147 grains each, reasonably fast. The rounds leave the muzzle around 1,450 FPS. Uberti makes a good reproduction of the Walker, and it is ideal.
And we thought drones were a new invention. Here one carries an E5. Scary.
5. E-5 Blaster Rifle
While the furry hordes that stalk our imaginations can prove insanely difficult to actually find, these creatures were once numerous. In the year 19BBY, the Wookies, a sentient ancestor of our contemporary Sasquatch, were so numerous and troublesome in the Mid Rim Kashyyyk region of the Mytaranor sector that a drone army was sent to intercede.
The standard blaster rifle of the OOM and B1 battle droids, the E-5 Blaster Rifle was a powerful, light, but somewhat inaccurate weapon. The benefit, of course, was that the E-5 had a capacity of 500 shots. The Baktoid Armor Workshop originals are worth a fortune, but like the Walker, reproductions are readily available.
Get Hunting!
We all know Sasquatches exist, and those that don’t know either refuse to believe or haven’t realized it yet. But they do exist… As for why no one has found a Sasquatch carcass? That’s easy, they bury their dead just like humans.
An appropraite gun is only half of the battle. You may also need to know how they hide. And the Sasquatch, like many of us, has an alias or two. We’ll end with the list of names. It is long, but worth a good read.
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The Wood Man
Boqs
Snanaik
Bushmen
Timber Giants
Big Figure
Bukwas/Bukwus
Wild Man of the Woods
Dzonoqua/Tsonoqua
Wild Woman of the Woods
evil seeker
Sne nah, or Owl Women
Tsadjatko, or giants
Skukum
Hecaitomixw, or Devil of the Forest
Oeh
Tsaaloh, or, Giants
Stick Indians
Sasquatch
Windigo
The Hairy Man
Nant’ina
Get’qun
Na’in, or Brushman
Koosh Taa Kaa, or Otterman
Nantiinaq
Urayuli
Miitiipi
Madukarahat, or Giant
Loo poo oi’yes
Yahyahaas
Yeti
Olayome
Oh-Mah
Stoneclad
Nun Yunu Wi
The Stone Man
Kecleh-Kudleh
Ot ne yar heh
Stonish Giants
Ge no sqwa
The Stone Giants
Ge no’sgwa
The Stone Coats
Esti Capcaki
Albatwitches
Chiye tanka
Rugaru
The Big Man
Woods Devils
See’atco
Skookum
Yi’ dyi’ tay
Tsiatko
Seatco
Tso’apittse
Cannibal
Ste ye hah
Splintercat
Yeahoh
So’yoko
T’oylona
Atahsaia
Char-Man
stetats
Nalusa Falaya
Shampe
Skunk ape
Swamp ape
Tornit
Ice Giant
Man-mountain
Chenoo
Gilyuk
Nyalmo
Orang Dalam
Bosjesman
Oo-el-en
Zoobie
Momo
Lizard man
Flint Monster
Kung-Lu
Stick Indian
Tuneq
Massikruman
Chuchunaa
Nakani
Nuk-Luk
Devil Monkey
Honey Island Swamp Monster
No Heads
No necks
Catamounts
Mount St. Helens gorillas
Goat man
Ft. Worth Monster
Fouke Monster
Boggy Creek Monster
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